he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
