Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
