Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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