i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I can't put those talents on a resume
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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