I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
