I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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