i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
where are you?
Hypothermia
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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