Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
