the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize