I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
