Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Sext me about skeletons
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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