I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
