Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
