I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
