is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize