there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
