i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
