Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
