Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just found a bag of teeth...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
