i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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