dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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