i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
