was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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