She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
