If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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