something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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