i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
All I want is dick and wine.
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