I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
