We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
