My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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