During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
