well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
How external is "for external use only"?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
