My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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