My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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