I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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