so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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