yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
