i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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