Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
