I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
