The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
