she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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