I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize