who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
