Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
