Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
