Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
