life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
