I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
