True but thats because hes a fetus.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
