this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
