The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
