If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
