my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
