What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
