You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
