so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
