i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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