Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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