My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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