What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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