So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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